


The Coffee Shops of Achaea

by Scytale



Category: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:54:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25949920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scytale/pseuds/Scytale
Summary: Sing to me, Muse, of the war fought for the barista Helen, of all women most skilled with a frothing wand.Not at all based on how coffee shops really work.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	The Coffee Shops of Achaea

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a conversation with [alamorn](http://archiveofourown.org/users/alamorn).

When Helen, who was the most renowned barista in Achaea, declared that she was looking for a new job, every coffee shop wanted her for their own.

They had all heard tales of her latte art, which was said to be unsurpassed in beauty. She was said to be a master of both the pour-over and the espresso, and she was a barista of noble lineage: she had worked beneath the great Leda, within one of Achaea's most glorious coffee shops. There were those who whispered that she had more illustrious connections still: that she had received secret tutelage from the legendary Zeus, whose coffee was so famous it had won three Michelin Stars.

It was no surprise, then, that Helen received cold calls and offers every hour of the day. Coffee shop owners accosted her in the streets, offering her wage increases and paid time off; the employees of different coffee shops fought in the streets, arguing over who had the right to recruit Helen.

"The thing is," Helen said. "I don't think they'd respect my choice even if I did choose a place to work. You know how those coffee shops are, they'll probably just attack the coffee shop I choose and spend all of their time trying to poach me. I just want to make cappuccinos in peace."

She was talking to Odysseus. He had only tried to recruit her once, half-heartedly; his coffee shop was really more of a bakery, anyway, and its coffee selection was small. Most of its coffee was poor and watery, but Odysseus was still welcomed among the other coffee shop owners for his business acumen.

Odysseus looked thoughtful. "I might have an idea for how you can get a job without turning your new workplace into a battlefield."

The next day, Odysseus called for a meeting of the Achaean Association of Coffee Shops.

Before the gathered owners of the Achaean coffee shops, Odysseus spoke, "Friends, we've all presented to Helen the reason why she should come work for us. We've all spent so much of our budget on this, so much of our workforce's time -- and now, it is time for her to choose."

The owners murmured restively to themselves.

"But before she chooses," Odysseus says. "We must all swear to abide by her decision. All of us must swear not to poach her from the coffee shop she chooses, and, if anyone should poach her from that coffee shop, then all of us must vow to add our strength to that coffee shop's to retrieve her."

The owners agreed.

Odysseus presented to them a large coffee cake, made in his own shop. Each Achaean coffee shop owner cut out a slice of the cake, swearing to abide by Helen's decision and to defend the coffee shop she sided with. 

Helen chose to work at Sparta, where she had been promised pay and power befitting her lineage. Also, she thought the owner, Menelaus, had nice shoulders.

There was discontent from the other coffee shops, but they could do nothing about it, for an oath made upon a coffee cake is sacred.

In exchange for Odysseus's help, Helen persuaded her roommate Penelope to take the job offer Odysseus kept pushing onto her. Which was what Odysseus had wanted in the first place, for he had long desired Penelope for her croissant-making skills.

And for a time, the coffee shops of Achaea were peaceful.


End file.
